Pulling Myself Out of the Deepest, Darkest Depression...My Story
Two years and ten months ago my husband and I had just got into bed. It wasn't very late...maybe around 10pm. Life had been busy...he had just flown in that morning. He was long distance commuting between Florida and North Carolina with his job. I had picked him up that morning in the Greenville, South Carolina airport and then we headed to a swim meet in the same town for our daughter, Esther. We were there most of the day...stopping at some stores before we headed back to our home in North Carolina. I hadn't talked to my mom in a few days, which was rare. I was super busy and she hadn't called me either. I called her, and she didn't answer. She never returned my call. I called my brother early that evening and asked him if he had talked to mom. He hadn't either, but would try to connect with her. I headed to a campfire event that we had with our high schoolers. Jason called me back and he connected with a friend at the Eagles club and our mom had been there...and just had left. I felt good about that and figured that I would try to connect with her in the morning. Little did we know that she was headed to the hospital. Knowing my mom, who was extremely private, she didn't want to worry us and would call us later. Within an hour of my mom stepping into the hospital, she died. Alone. Without us there. Sometimes that thought makes me sick to my stomach. But I can't change those moments. Later, we found out that she had been having chest pains for weeks and was slowly going down hill. And since my mom worked in hospitals for years, she hated going to the hospital and avoided them like the plague. If she had gone earlier, this story may be different.
Right when I was drifting to sleep my phone rang. I remember jumping out of bed because we normally didn't get late night calls. I noticed instantly that it was a Florida number. It was the doctor on the line. When he said his name and the familiar hospital name and asked me my name...I immediately screamed, "has she died?" It's like I just knew. That poor doctor...he tried to talk to me and tell me what happened while I screamed on the phone. I remember saying, "but she can't. She's my best friend." Other than my husband, she was my closest friend. She knew me better than anyone I know. I still can picture these moments in my head..like I watched them happen. The whole scenario would play in my head, over and over again. All I remember from this moment on was circling my house...not being able to speak...screaming...I couldn't finish a full sentence. I know I called my brother, who thankfully took care of everything in Florida. He called our other brother and went to the hospital to see my mom and talk to the doctors. And I just circled around my house. My amazing husband literally got our house together...five kids and two dogs packed, he called friends that needed to know and had us out the door in an hour to make the 8 hour trip back to Florida. Remember, he had flown in that morning...he never even spent a night in his own bed. And he spearheaded getting us to where we needed to be in moments. That's a leader. And I would start the most painful journey that led me in some of the darkest moments of my life that would last a full two years.
In my 40 years of living I hadn't really experienced depression. I had down times...time of sorrow and pain, but never true depression. And now, it hit me right in the face. Badly. After the craziness of being back home in Florida for the week to say goodbye to my mom, I found myself back in NC in a place I had never been. I had to pick up my life again...but I didn't know how and I didn't know what it looked like. I felt alone. I started experiencing the most intense loneliness that I had ever felt. And it stayed for a long time. When I tell people that I hit the deepest, darkest place ever, I am not kidding. I couldn't see straight. I became a robot. I just did what I needed to get done. But that's it. I stopped running. I stopped making meals for my family. I could barely pray. I felt angry at God. Very angry. An anger that festered in me for months. Also I was questioning the Lord. Why? I needed an answer to my why, but I wasn't getting an answer. I was just a robot. I did what I could to get by. Every morning was the most difficult to just rise and function. I would cry every day. A lot of times alone. In the shower. In the car. When I would hear something that brought back a memory. I would relive that last night in my mind over and over...and over and over. I had to throw away the pajamas that I wore the night she died because in my reliving of that night I would see myself wearing those. Standing there...screaming into the phone. It's like I watched a movie over and over...it never changed. ( I found out later that this was called ruminating)
And this lasted for months. I was living through all the symptoms of PTSD. I wanted to get out of it. I knew I was in a pit. But I couldn't get out. I now knew what people think when say, "just snap out of it." I couldn't. It felt impossible to make one step.
Psalm 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I whom you have delivered."
Psalm 40:3 "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."
This was my first step. Just music. My kids started to complain to me because I would play the same songs over and over again. But they didn't know how far deep I had gone. My spirit was dead. I felt totally at ground zero. I had nothing left to give. But God. He never left me. He truly was there. Waiting for me to grieve. Waiting for me to let go. Waiting for me to truly hold on to his sovereignty. I had to trust him in the valley. He stripped me down to nothing. Because when I had nothing, I could only depend on him. Even though I was surrounded by amazing family and friends, the loneliness prevailed. But I see that now as God's plan. I had to depend on him. I had to have him as my only source. I had to hold on to the hem of his garment.
Matthew 9:21 "If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed." Jesus turned around and when he saw her face he said, "daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well."
I was that woman.
And slowly...it wasn't immediate, I felt his presence. I started to listen to podcasts. I started to do scripture writing. Every day. I knew the I couldn't make it without him. I read books. I found new things in my life that brought me joy (like my nieces Olivia and Addison). I searched out people who knew Him and who could encourage me. Then I started to dig deep into bible study. I wanted his word. I craved it every day. I knew he was my only help.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."
Matthew 7:7 "Ask, and it will be given to you: seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you."
Deuteronomy 33:26 "There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides the heavens to help you, and in His excellency on the clouds."
I am not saying that there is formula for stepping out of depression. But I do know that God wants to encircle us, love us and surround us. He will meet us where we are at. We don't have to go chase after him. He is already there. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that the death of my mother stripped me down with the purpose to mold me and make me a new person. For this next season, God couldn't use the old Allison. He has purpose for everything, and her death was part of my story. And I come out of this with such an ever trusting to shout Hallelujah, even when the world is closing in. To trust him, even when the story takes a turn for the worst. He sees the whole picture...and he is directing our paths. Does this mean I have totally perfect days...and never hurt or feel pain? Nope...but they are few and far between. He filled in the gaps. And continues to do so.
I came out of this season knowing now why God gave me this scripture 10 months before I lost my mother. I still cling to these words daily...
Exodus 14:14" The Lord will fight for you: You need only to be still."
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