2010...let's not do it again!

Well, it's the last day of the year. A sigh comes out of my mouth...with relief. Yes, it is only a day...nothing magical does happen at midnight...except my attitude, hope and belief. The year 2010 has been THE worst year of my life. This blog that I am writing has been stewing inside of me for weeks. I knew I was going to write it. It's like I need to get everything off my chest. For those of you who follow my blog, may know bits and pieces of it...but now, here it goes.
We started our year with our youngest son having two major surgeries (in a 6 month span of time)concerning his lumbar artery. The doctors were hopeful to fix the faulty artery, but they also knew that with one wrong move our son could have been in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. But we knew that if it wasn't fixed then he would possibly die at a young age. The first surgery did nothing but bring more explanation...but through an awesome specialist God worked His wonders. To God be the glory...they were able to restore everything to the way it should be.
Most of you have also been affected this past year by the economy. And if you haven't...then you know someone who was. At the end of the past year I was able to quit my part-time job that I loved and stayed home full time. But within six months the lack of income was crushing my husband and I had to go back to work. And my former job (which thankfully was still there) required me to work more in the office rather than at home. So, I had to be away from my kids more. This hurt me more than anything. Now, thankfully that has changed a bit and I am only gone for a few hours on one day of the week...God works in mysterious ways.
One of the hardest things to deal with was the stress that my marriage came under this year. After fourteen years of marriage, we came to the reality that it was not going in the direction that we thought. Outside forces and inside forces were destroying it. We came to place of waking up and making drastic changes. This included leaving our church body and making decisions that were very difficult. Because of some of these changes, my mother who lived with us for 8 years decided to move out. I am so close to my mom. It hurt so much. I know now that it was for the good...we never know what God is doing...it is such a trust walk. Matt and I are strong now...and getting stronger each day. We are making good decisions...keeping our eyes more on the Lord. And we are getting off of the roller coaster of this crazy life that the world wants for us. We have been going more inward than outward.
On September 4th we lost Matt's dad to congested heart failure. Though we knew that the doctors were giving grim forecasts...you still keep hope for more times and more days. This loss deeply affected all of us, especially Matt. He doesn't have the ability to call him up and ask a quick question...he no longer sits with my kids and eats snacks. The loss is quite noticeable. But we rest in the fact that he is with the Lord...and there is comfort there in that knowing.
My relationship with my own father continued with its ups and downs. It has always been a difficult path with him. He is very demanding, opinionated and one-sided. No matter what you do, if it is not his way then it is the wrong way. There are huge unresolved issues from my childhood that still linger. We think a different way. He does not respect my boundaries. And because of this we can not at this time have a relationship. It is so hard. Because all I have ever wanted was just a dad. Thankfully, I have a heavenly father who takes that place.
Our continuing hard times with our son Caleb have been difficult. Caleb is mentally handicapped, has PICA and OCD. Dealing with theses difficulties have been so trying. Many doctors have tried to work with him...to handle his out of control behavior. Several doctors wanted us to put him in a facility full time. It crushes our heart to hear that. We want the best for him. Many don't understand the ins and outs of our daily walk with Caleb. I am believing for there to be understanding of what makes him tick this year. I want a full life for him....above and beyond what is predicted.
There are some things that I have not written about...the ups and downs of having a teenager in your house...watching your brother die of a disease that you are powerless to control (though I am very effective through my prayer)...family trials and misunderstandings...believing for God to work in your friend's lives...loss of pets and farm animals. It has been that kind of year. I am believing for so much more. I told Matt that I am jumping out of the water that is crashing over our heads and into the Lord's boat. Though it doesn't take us out of the trials...but it gives us the everlasting peace that we all crave. Have a Happy New Year...and I will see you next year!!!!


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