One Year Ago

I can't believe I am even writing that title...how can it be one year ago? One year ago (there I said it again), my husband's father passed away. He ended a long struggle with congested heart failure. It seems impossible to think that the year went by so fast. The first week dragged by so slowly...family visited, decisions had to be made. Those first few days felt like a lifetime. Those first few days almost seemed easier, because so many decisions had to be made and everyone was together. It was when we all got back into "normal" life is when we had to deal with him being gone. It took me months before I took him off my contact list on my phone. Taking him off made it permanent. The reality was that he was gone, and not coming back. And that was hard for me to bear.
His death was the first that I have ever experienced this close. I have been fortunate to not have had a lot of death in my life. So, this journey has been new. To watch my husband struggle. Though you hear about other people losing their parents, you never know how you will deal with it. I know Matt knew he would miss his dad, but I don't think he knew that he would miss him this much.To see the sadness in my mother-in-law's eyes. Forty-one years with your partner is hard to end. I can't even imagine how she feels at night...my mind can not bring that to reality. I must admit that it has been an incredible journey, for this first year. Yes, each day gets easier. But I think the hardest thing that I personally struggle with is the loss. I think often, Matt needs to call his dad to ask how to fix that. Or, wouldn't Bill love to see William now. Or, wouldn't he want to see Bryn win that swim race. There always seems to be a person missing. I have shed many tears this year knowing that he isn't going to watch my kids grow up. So many memories of him with my kids...sitting on his lap...watching the races...sharing snacks in the living room. I still say to Matt, "your parent's house." Amy and Bill came as a package deal, and it is hard for me to separate the package. What a struggle, that is incredibly sad.
But I believe that "on the other side" Bill is living a life of wholeness. He is in victory. Isn't that what it's all about? God has so much better for our reward. That brings peace and joy to a sad heart. And the most important thing is that I see him EVERY DAY in my husband and my kids. I see the craftsman in my husband...I see the look in William's eyes...or the giving heart of my husband. So, he isn't entirely gone. He truly left a legacy.


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